For Your Soul
You're a bitter kind
I love you so
Sour is my mind
From what you sow
How I let it grow
Call them radiant, call them mothers eyes
Home's a narrow space for me to find
Your beguiling state and endless heights
I'm just not moving right
Just not moving right when it's just not you
Under neon lights
Where I wake
I'm not feeling right
So they say
Rough kind of a day
Don my clothing, robes of ageing white
Rattled windows on the old green line
Do you feel it like I hope you might
I'm just not seeing right
Just not seeing right when it's just not you
Cautiously Optimistic
Well, you'll notice I haven't written anything for almost two months now. Surprisingly, it's not because I'm too busy or too lazy. It's because I don't have anything to whine about right now. Like, I'm doing ... okay ...
I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and we decided that I can use my medications on an 'as needed' basis. Which I am thrilled about - and not because I don't believe in medication. You best believe I'm poppin' pills whenever I get the slightest pain. But I was on 5 meds. One for sleep, one for anxiety, one to help my depression, one to help my depression pill to work better, and one to help curb the side effects of said helper pill.
Anyways, I was so tired all the time. I even started drinking caffeine intermittently *cough* most days *cough* because I was having a hard time functioning. I would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and wake up exhausted. So, I'm just happy not to have to deal with any crazy side effects.
But, really, the truth? I don't know why I am doing so well. I honestly don't know. I didn't make any huge changes in my thinking or even spiritual life. I'm not on any new medication. I didn't have some major breakthrough with my therapist. And to be honest. I'm quite nervous about this whole thing. It's disconcerting because I am always thinking in the back of my mind that something is going to trigger me and I'm going to fall down this black hole again.
But, maybe it's not about breakthrough moments and big spiritual 'healings' or black and then white. Maybe it's more about one moment from the next. And catching yourself in dark thoughts one time and then not that often and then rarely at all. Maybe it's about adjusting and changing and moving forward when you don't even realize it is happening. It's kinda like, when I started focusing on other aspects of my life, I started moving away from the darkness inside me. Maybe it's the culmination of everything - the medications, the hospital stay, the therapy, the support and prayers. Maybe that's it.
And maybe I'm spewing out a bunch of bull crap full of unicorns and fairies that never die and I'll be back in no time spilling my eternally depressing life to the interwebs.
But in the meantime, I'm not sure what this space will become for me. I don't believe I am 'cured' and I know that just because I have been doing well doesn't mean I won't have 'bad' days. It's inevitable, but maybe I'll be able to handle them now. Cross your fingers for me.
I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and we decided that I can use my medications on an 'as needed' basis. Which I am thrilled about - and not because I don't believe in medication. You best believe I'm poppin' pills whenever I get the slightest pain. But I was on 5 meds. One for sleep, one for anxiety, one to help my depression, one to help my depression pill to work better, and one to help curb the side effects of said helper pill.
Anyways, I was so tired all the time. I even started drinking caffeine intermittently *cough* most days *cough* because I was having a hard time functioning. I would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and wake up exhausted. So, I'm just happy not to have to deal with any crazy side effects.
But, really, the truth? I don't know why I am doing so well. I honestly don't know. I didn't make any huge changes in my thinking or even spiritual life. I'm not on any new medication. I didn't have some major breakthrough with my therapist. And to be honest. I'm quite nervous about this whole thing. It's disconcerting because I am always thinking in the back of my mind that something is going to trigger me and I'm going to fall down this black hole again.
But, maybe it's not about breakthrough moments and big spiritual 'healings' or black and then white. Maybe it's more about one moment from the next. And catching yourself in dark thoughts one time and then not that often and then rarely at all. Maybe it's about adjusting and changing and moving forward when you don't even realize it is happening. It's kinda like, when I started focusing on other aspects of my life, I started moving away from the darkness inside me. Maybe it's the culmination of everything - the medications, the hospital stay, the therapy, the support and prayers. Maybe that's it.
And maybe I'm spewing out a bunch of bull crap full of unicorns and fairies that never die and I'll be back in no time spilling my eternally depressing life to the interwebs.
But in the meantime, I'm not sure what this space will become for me. I don't believe I am 'cured' and I know that just because I have been doing well doesn't mean I won't have 'bad' days. It's inevitable, but maybe I'll be able to handle them now. Cross your fingers for me.
Crappy New Year
You know you've got problems when your New Years Resolutions look something like this ...
1. Go one week without crying
2. Try not to think about dying so often
3. Don't die - also don't kill yourself
And you think I'm being funny. *shakes head* If only you knew what it was like to live inside this brain. I had a counseling session on Tuesday that kicked my ass. Like she asked me one question that just happened to hit so close to home that I went from sarcasm to crying in about 0.5 seconds. (Obviously haven't successfully met goal numero uno yet) I pretty much have some sort of break down once a week right now. It's awesome - for everyone involved.
My therapist and I filled out a sheet titled, 'Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram.' I had to identify 3 situations where I was experiencing depressive / anxious thoughts. I had to then write down the automatic thought that was associated with each situation. I had to identify what the meaning of those automatic thoughts were to me, what my emotions were during these situations, and what my behavior was (crying - duh). After that was done, we looked at the three automatic thoughts that I had relating to those three different situations. And you know what - we re-confirmed what my core belief is about myself. It really was fascinating to see that same thread through every difficulty that I had experienced. It all boils down to this one belief that I have about myself.
My therapist says I can keep that belief, but only if I can prove to her that it is accurate and confirmed by other sources outside myself. I'm trying really hard to prove it, but so far the only thing that validates it is me, myself, and I. Really, though, you can tell me all you want how much I matter (assuming you think that - no pressure), but I can always discount your sentiments. I am master at self-deprecating. It really is an art.
Therapy is really hard and you end up taking more steps back then you do forward. (You meaning me...) Ya know, a year ago I was spiraling - fast. It's hard to feel like you haven't made as much progress as you'd like. I honestly thought that by now it would all be in the past.
So, yeah, crappy new year to you and yours.
P.S.
I took a break from blogging for awhile. A series of events compelled me to share this space with a lot of people I know. Something I didn't think I would do. Though I feel like I did the right thing at the time, it also turned me off to sharing anything through this blog. (Make sense? No? Well who asked you anyways) But it has been several months since then and I fully believe that the interest in my blog has died down. So, I have returned to once again post my most depressing thoughts and share with you my journey. Except when I say journey, I don't mean an epic like Lord of the Rings or even Finding Nemo. I mean something more like getting lost in the woods where am thinking suspiciously, 'I swear I've seen that same damn tree 20 times.'
Literally going in circles over here.
1. Go one week without crying
2. Try not to think about dying so often
3. Don't die - also don't kill yourself
And you think I'm being funny. *shakes head* If only you knew what it was like to live inside this brain. I had a counseling session on Tuesday that kicked my ass. Like she asked me one question that just happened to hit so close to home that I went from sarcasm to crying in about 0.5 seconds. (Obviously haven't successfully met goal numero uno yet) I pretty much have some sort of break down once a week right now. It's awesome - for everyone involved.
My therapist and I filled out a sheet titled, 'Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram.' I had to identify 3 situations where I was experiencing depressive / anxious thoughts. I had to then write down the automatic thought that was associated with each situation. I had to identify what the meaning of those automatic thoughts were to me, what my emotions were during these situations, and what my behavior was (crying - duh). After that was done, we looked at the three automatic thoughts that I had relating to those three different situations. And you know what - we re-confirmed what my core belief is about myself. It really was fascinating to see that same thread through every difficulty that I had experienced. It all boils down to this one belief that I have about myself.
My therapist says I can keep that belief, but only if I can prove to her that it is accurate and confirmed by other sources outside myself. I'm trying really hard to prove it, but so far the only thing that validates it is me, myself, and I. Really, though, you can tell me all you want how much I matter (assuming you think that - no pressure), but I can always discount your sentiments. I am master at self-deprecating. It really is an art.
Therapy is really hard and you end up taking more steps back then you do forward. (You meaning me...) Ya know, a year ago I was spiraling - fast. It's hard to feel like you haven't made as much progress as you'd like. I honestly thought that by now it would all be in the past.
So, yeah, crappy new year to you and yours.
I took a break from blogging for awhile. A series of events compelled me to share this space with a lot of people I know. Something I didn't think I would do. Though I feel like I did the right thing at the time, it also turned me off to sharing anything through this blog. (Make sense? No? Well who asked you anyways) But it has been several months since then and I fully believe that the interest in my blog has died down. So, I have returned to once again post my most depressing thoughts and share with you my journey. Except when I say journey, I don't mean an epic like Lord of the Rings or even Finding Nemo. I mean something more like getting lost in the woods where am thinking suspiciously, 'I swear I've seen that same damn tree 20 times.'
Literally going in circles over here.
I'm An Idiot
There was a time where 1 am was no big deal for me. In fact, that was when I was finally getting to bed. Not so much mi amigos.
I have been drugged now since February. One of those lovely medications helps me sleep. Well, I let life get busy aka I'm an idiot aka I let me medications run out before getting new ones. I have slept minimally for two nights now.
Want to know what anxiety mixed with insomnia looks like? No? Too bad.
First off, you have layers upon layers of thinking going on. It's nuts. I'll be thinking about two or three things - flickering through them constantly. Then, I'll also be singing the same line of a song in my head over and over and over again. So, this is all going on and I'll latch on to a thought.
Exhibit A: I have to drive to my psychiatrist's office to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow.
Then I start planning my driving route. When will I turn into which lanes? What road was it on again? What if it is really busy when I am driving? Will I forget how to drive? What if my feet forget which pedals to push?
And so on and so forth.
Then the big one hits. What if while I am driving over the bridge, an earthquake hits and my car falls into a large, deep hole?
Then we begin to escalate very quickly.
What if I don't die before I hit the bottom of the hole? What will that feel like? Will death hurt? I will definitely pray that God takes me quickly. But, what if I somehow get out of the car and am holding onto a bar? What if no one can get me before I fall? What if I fall? What will falling feel like? What if I don't die when I hit the ground? What if I am just hurt really bad, like a piece of rebar goes through my hip? How much will that hurt? How long will it take them to save me? What if they can't? How will Guy react? Will I recover quickly from surgery?
Okay, you get the picture. I end up lying there awake, staring at the ceiling, praying that sleep will come.
But it hasn't yet.
Not tonight.
What do you do when insomnia and/or anxiety hits at night?
I have been drugged now since February. One of those lovely medications helps me sleep. Well, I let life get busy aka I'm an idiot aka I let me medications run out before getting new ones. I have slept minimally for two nights now.
Want to know what anxiety mixed with insomnia looks like? No? Too bad.
First off, you have layers upon layers of thinking going on. It's nuts. I'll be thinking about two or three things - flickering through them constantly. Then, I'll also be singing the same line of a song in my head over and over and over again. So, this is all going on and I'll latch on to a thought.
Exhibit A: I have to drive to my psychiatrist's office to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow.
Then I start planning my driving route. When will I turn into which lanes? What road was it on again? What if it is really busy when I am driving? Will I forget how to drive? What if my feet forget which pedals to push?
And so on and so forth.
Then the big one hits. What if while I am driving over the bridge, an earthquake hits and my car falls into a large, deep hole?
Then we begin to escalate very quickly.
What if I don't die before I hit the bottom of the hole? What will that feel like? Will death hurt? I will definitely pray that God takes me quickly. But, what if I somehow get out of the car and am holding onto a bar? What if no one can get me before I fall? What if I fall? What will falling feel like? What if I don't die when I hit the ground? What if I am just hurt really bad, like a piece of rebar goes through my hip? How much will that hurt? How long will it take them to save me? What if they can't? How will Guy react? Will I recover quickly from surgery?
Okay, you get the picture. I end up lying there awake, staring at the ceiling, praying that sleep will come.
But it hasn't yet.
Not tonight.
What do you do when insomnia and/or anxiety hits at night?
I'm Gonna Die The Exact Same Day As You
I hurt the one that I love the most.
Why do we do that? The person that I gloat about to you all the time. I said to myself, hey let's just make him feel like crap.
And then I did.
So, this is my open letter of apology to him.
How do I say I'm sorry in a way that you'll believe? How do I convince you that you have my heart even when my mouth says otherwise?
I belong to you.
Sometimes I say things that I don't mean. Or sometimes I say things I shouldn't say even if I mean them.
I belong to you.
Sometimes I lie. I flat out lie. What does that say about me? I did. I do. I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to make myself feel good about me, so I tear you down. I climb up on the pile of rubble that once was you just to leave my own demons behind for awhile.
I belong to you.
Oh, I'm depressed - I have anxiety. I need all the attention and love in this relationship. Funny how that works, huh? I take and take and take and I suck you dry sometimes. And here I am, when I push you to the breaking point I immediately want you back.
I belong to you.
I'm sorry for the mess that I am. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. I regret the words I spoke. Can you take this broken mess and still love it?
I belong to you.
Baby, let's put this back together now. But, if you need time I understand.
Because that's the beauty of our marriage.
We've got time.
And, I belong to you.
Perfectionism - It'll Kill Ya
I am a perfectionist.
Do you know how terrible it feels to always be falling short of perfection - which doesn't even exist, except in my mind?
I feel as if I am in the middle of a battle all. the. time. I am fighting with all that I have against my perfectionism tendencies. It depresses me. It gives me anxiety. So many times I have to hand the sword to someone else who is bigger and stronger than me. But then - there are those times - those times where I can stand on my own and beat the crap outta life.
But, of course, John Mayer said it best.
Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know
I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run
I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Then nothing will
All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run
I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
No more suffering
No more pain
Never again
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run
I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
Do you know how terrible it feels to always be falling short of perfection - which doesn't even exist, except in my mind?
I feel as if I am in the middle of a battle all. the. time. I am fighting with all that I have against my perfectionism tendencies. It depresses me. It gives me anxiety. So many times I have to hand the sword to someone else who is bigger and stronger than me. But then - there are those times - those times where I can stand on my own and beat the crap outta life.
But, of course, John Mayer said it best.
Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know
I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run
I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Then nothing will
All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run
I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
No more suffering
No more pain
Never again
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run
I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
Something For Your Ears
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
...
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
-Peace&Love
Two Are Better Than One
My journey has taken my down many dark roads. Some I share here, but others I dare not. While I wish to be candid, I also must remember my professional career and my clients. This is an open blog and, to be frank, I don't think it would be appropriate for them to know every detail.
But, I will share this.
It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.
You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.
Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.
Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.
At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.
But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.
When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.
When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.
When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.
The buzzing in your head will subside.
You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.
You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.
Two are better than one.
But, I will share this.
It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.
You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.
Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.
Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.
At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.
But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.
When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.
When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.
When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.
The buzzing in your head will subside.
You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.
You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.
Two are better than one.
Welcome To Idaho
Here is a list of things I have learned about living in Southwestern Idaho that will help you navigate without sounding like a foreigner.
1. They hate Californians. Why no other state is beyond me. So don't mention if you're from California. Or if you are brave enough to, just make sure you say how temporary it was or how much you hated living there. Lying in this situation is perfectly acceptable in order to mesh with the locals.
2. It's Boy-See not Boy-Zee when pronouncing Boise. That is a huge giveaway.
3. When you pass someone on the highway it is always on the right. Passing on the left is unheard of. The left lane is scary.
4. It's Que-Nuh not Koo-Nuh when pronouncing Kuna. But no one lives there anyways so you're probably fine.
5. Eagle is where all the richies live.
6. Your cashier can and will talk to you throughout the whole checking out process. They'll ask about your mother's brother's cousin and comment on your food choices.
7. If you see a license plate that starts with 2C then they are automatically bad drivers. Avoid them at all costs. But that'll be hard to do 'cause they'll be driving 5 under the speed limit in the left lane. (In this case the left lane is not scary, but you have to drive slowly).
8. Your neighbor, upon meeting you for the first time will most likely give you the spare key to their house. Just in case.
9. Lastly, they're the most genuine and kind people you'll ever meet. Unless you're from California.
1. They hate Californians. Why no other state is beyond me. So don't mention if you're from California. Or if you are brave enough to, just make sure you say how temporary it was or how much you hated living there. Lying in this situation is perfectly acceptable in order to mesh with the locals.
2. It's Boy-See not Boy-Zee when pronouncing Boise. That is a huge giveaway.
3. When you pass someone on the highway it is always on the right. Passing on the left is unheard of. The left lane is scary.
4. It's Que-Nuh not Koo-Nuh when pronouncing Kuna. But no one lives there anyways so you're probably fine.
5. Eagle is where all the richies live.
6. Your cashier can and will talk to you throughout the whole checking out process. They'll ask about your mother's brother's cousin and comment on your food choices.
7. If you see a license plate that starts with 2C then they are automatically bad drivers. Avoid them at all costs. But that'll be hard to do 'cause they'll be driving 5 under the speed limit in the left lane. (In this case the left lane is not scary, but you have to drive slowly).
8. Your neighbor, upon meeting you for the first time will most likely give you the spare key to their house. Just in case.
9. Lastly, they're the most genuine and kind people you'll ever meet. Unless you're from California.
Blank Space
Words have left me.
Well, not the ones I really need to say.
But those ones I can't share.
They're too private.
They're too big.
I'm trying too hard.
I give in too easily.
What's the purpose anyways.
Words have left me.
Does this make sense?
This has turned into my journey through mental health.
But have I already shared too much?
Who will judge me now?
Well, not the ones I really need to say.
But those ones I can't share.
They're too private.
They're too big.
I'm trying too hard.
I give in too easily.
What's the purpose anyways.
Words have left me.
Does this make sense?
This has turned into my journey through mental health.
But have I already shared too much?
Who will judge me now?
Real Life
Real Life?
I haven't cried for over a month. Is it the meds? Is it odd for me to say that I miss it?
I listen to pop music. Obvs.
I'm scared to be taking the full responsibility that my title gives me at my job. Adulting is crap sometimes.
I slept in and then stayed in bed until noon today. That hasn't happened for years.
I'm always thinking about the next clothing or housing purchase I will make. Shoppers anonymous much?
I am a perfectionist. There. I said it. And it is a painful place to be. Stay far far away from it.
And this is what my little living space looks like. minus the couch. I love it for what it is and feel it slowly is representing who Guy and I are.
I haven't cried for over a month. Is it the meds? Is it odd for me to say that I miss it?
I listen to pop music. Obvs.
I'm scared to be taking the full responsibility that my title gives me at my job. Adulting is crap sometimes.
I slept in and then stayed in bed until noon today. That hasn't happened for years.
I'm always thinking about the next clothing or housing purchase I will make. Shoppers anonymous much?
I am a perfectionist. There. I said it. And it is a painful place to be. Stay far far away from it.
And this is what my little living space looks like. minus the couch. I love it for what it is and feel it slowly is representing who Guy and I are.
Depression - Again
Again?! I know ... this blog has become quite ... might I say depressing ;)
But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."
Seriously, people.
It was that bad.
It can get that bad.
Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas
Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore
By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free
But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."
Seriously, people.
It was that bad.
It can get that bad.
Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas
Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore
By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free
Musical Friday
Seriously People
It really breaks my heart
To see a dear old friend
Go down in the worn old place again
Do you know the sound
Of a closing door?
Have you heard that sound somewhere before?
Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?
It really breaks my heart
To see a dear old friend
Go down in the worn old place again
Do you know the sound
Of a closing door?
Have you heard that sound somewhere before?
Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?
Musical Sunday
Currently listening to
and contemplating life. This'll do it to you.
Find it on netflix.
and contemplating life. This'll do it to you.
Find it on netflix.
Sensory Processing and Your Core Beliefs
Parallels. It's how we relate things. It's how we make sense of the world. Of new situations. It helps us keep order in our brains.
So, here is my parallel.
I work with kids. Many of the have a sensory processing disorder. What's that? Well,
"Sensory processing (sometimes called "sensory integration" or SI) is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively." Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation
So, you get the gist? This is something these kids have experienced from day one. This is their norm. This is what feels good even though it is not what a typically developing person experiences. Even though is leads to countless difficulties in their day to day lives. This is what makes sense to them. Their nervous systems may be "out of whack" but it's their "out of whack." They are not choosing to be this way. They can't help it.
Bare with me.
Today I talked with my therapist about core beliefs. Everyone has them. Whether right or wrong, good or bad. Everyone has this inherent belief about who they are. I discovered mine today. It wasn't pretty. My therapist helped me see how it has impacted me positively in my life, but also negatively. These core beliefs contribute to how I react to certain triggers. These triggers lead to automatic thoughts which are, in turn, fed by my core belief about myself.
But you know what. It is who I am. And I have fought tooth and nail to keep my core beliefs close to me. I never realized that until today. Even though they hurt me.
Even though they sometimes hurt other people.
It is engrained in me. And just like those kiddos with SPD it feels normal. It is what we have been experiencing for our whole lives.
I learned that my kiddos with SPD will fight you tooth and nail when you begin therapy with them and start to regulate their nervous systems.
I learned that we hold onto our core beliefs so tightly we will do almost anything to make sure they are real. Because it is who we are, despite the outcome. It doesn't feel right to change.
But just like I ask my kids every day to step outside of their comfort zone into a world that is regulated and stable.
I also have to ask that of myself.
So, here is my parallel.
I work with kids. Many of the have a sensory processing disorder. What's that? Well,
"Sensory processing (sometimes called "sensory integration" or SI) is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively." Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation
So, you get the gist? This is something these kids have experienced from day one. This is their norm. This is what feels good even though it is not what a typically developing person experiences. Even though is leads to countless difficulties in their day to day lives. This is what makes sense to them. Their nervous systems may be "out of whack" but it's their "out of whack." They are not choosing to be this way. They can't help it.
Bare with me.
Today I talked with my therapist about core beliefs. Everyone has them. Whether right or wrong, good or bad. Everyone has this inherent belief about who they are. I discovered mine today. It wasn't pretty. My therapist helped me see how it has impacted me positively in my life, but also negatively. These core beliefs contribute to how I react to certain triggers. These triggers lead to automatic thoughts which are, in turn, fed by my core belief about myself.
But you know what. It is who I am. And I have fought tooth and nail to keep my core beliefs close to me. I never realized that until today. Even though they hurt me.
Even though they sometimes hurt other people.
It is engrained in me. And just like those kiddos with SPD it feels normal. It is what we have been experiencing for our whole lives.
I learned that my kiddos with SPD will fight you tooth and nail when you begin therapy with them and start to regulate their nervous systems.
I learned that we hold onto our core beliefs so tightly we will do almost anything to make sure they are real. Because it is who we are, despite the outcome. It doesn't feel right to change.
But just like I ask my kids every day to step outside of their comfort zone into a world that is regulated and stable.
I also have to ask that of myself.
Moving
So, we are moving.
Again.
Still in Boise, but ...
Just when we were getting settled in our current place. I was all ready to share photos.
But this move is a good thing. It is a one story house. It has a cute little yard. It has two bedrooms and two full bathrooms. It has windows up the wazoo. That is what I love. The windows! Right now I live in a two story duplex with 4 measly windows. Our new place has at least 11 windows. I can't wait to have more house plants. Also, with my depression you can see how light is, well, a light in my depression. So, once we get settled there I'll start sharing pictures of our house.
You know. Because everything on pinterest is exactly what my house will look like. But here are some photos that kind of represent what my styling actually looks like.
The living area, plus a bunch of pillows and colorful thrifted blankets. Minus the antler chandelier.
The guest bedroom, minus the art, but definitely with a fantastic faux fur blanket.
White and black and natural browns in my bathroom.
Grey in the master bedroom. With little else, but my sun hats hanging on the wall.
For more dreaming check out my pinterest. For more reality check out my instagram. >>
Wish us luck on the move. I can't wait to be settled. Again. For awhile this time.
Again.
Still in Boise, but ...
Just when we were getting settled in our current place. I was all ready to share photos.
But this move is a good thing. It is a one story house. It has a cute little yard. It has two bedrooms and two full bathrooms. It has windows up the wazoo. That is what I love. The windows! Right now I live in a two story duplex with 4 measly windows. Our new place has at least 11 windows. I can't wait to have more house plants. Also, with my depression you can see how light is, well, a light in my depression. So, once we get settled there I'll start sharing pictures of our house.
You know. Because everything on pinterest is exactly what my house will look like. But here are some photos that kind of represent what my styling actually looks like.
For more dreaming check out my pinterest. For more reality check out my instagram. >>
Wish us luck on the move. I can't wait to be settled. Again. For awhile this time.
To Hell and Back
So, we went through hell. And we're coming out on the other side. Except what they don't tell you is that just because you went through hell doesn't mean that hell goes away. Oh no. It is still burning at your back. All you have to do is turn around. But, that only means if that crap is always there, then the good stuff is too. I just have to keep finding it. Looking for it. Intentionally. It is hard. And sometimes I hate it and want to give up. Depression is the real deal folks and chances are you deal with it too.
But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.
This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.
I gave up.
But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.
But he didn't.
He didn't and I am still alive.
And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.
But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.
This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.
I gave up.
But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.
But he didn't.
He didn't and I am still alive.
And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.
Mediocre, But Okay
So, I survived my first week of work. It felt like a whole week of work even though it was just 4 days. Oh wait - it was a full work week because I work 10 hour days. But I LOVE my Fridays now.
Anyways, here are some very mediocre photos of what's been going on lately with me. I am by no means a photographer, obvs, but I can't wait to start using my "big girl" camera again. Now that the weather is warming up and my fingers won't freeze! Yay.
Anyways, here are some very mediocre photos of what's been going on lately with me. I am by no means a photographer, obvs, but I can't wait to start using my "big girl" camera again. Now that the weather is warming up and my fingers won't freeze! Yay.
Almost bought this old man
Amazeballs sunset
It's okay to laugh. BAHAH! For our church directory.
supah sexay aka supah sarcastic
Wearing this outfit on repeat.
Can't wait!
Breaking him in to the joys of thrifting.
Definitely not obsessed.
What a turd.
Almost bought a dog ... again.
The therapy gym at work!!!
At the vet. Beau wasn't scared. At. All.
And now you know.
That Time I Ate Mac & Cheese
Story background: About every medication I am taking has a possible side affect of weight gain.
After eating half a Stouffer's macaroni and cheese right out of the oven.
Me: "This medication is making me fat."
Me: "Ugh, I feel like I have gained like 10 pounds."
Guy: As he looks at my bowl of macaroni and cheese is like, "Maybe you should exercise more."
Me: And I'm over here like, "Don't you even say it. It is definitely the meds and not the fact that I exercise one to one times a week."
The End
After eating half a Stouffer's macaroni and cheese right out of the oven.
Me: "This medication is making me fat."
Me: "Ugh, I feel like I have gained like 10 pounds."
Guy: As he looks at my bowl of macaroni and cheese is like, "Maybe you should exercise more."
Me: And I'm over here like, "Don't you even say it. It is definitely the meds and not the fact that I exercise one to one times a week."
The End
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