Perfectionism - It'll Kill Ya

I am a perfectionist.

Do you know how terrible it feels to always be falling short of perfection - which doesn't even exist, except in my mind?

I feel as if I am in the middle of a battle all. the. time. I am fighting with all that I have against my perfectionism tendencies. It depresses me. It gives me anxiety. So many times I have to hand the sword to someone else who is bigger and stronger than me. But then - there are those times - those times where I can stand on my own and beat the crap outta life.


But, of course, John Mayer said it best.


Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Then nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

Something For Your Ears

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

...

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see



-Peace&Love

Depression - Again

Again?! I know ... this blog has become quite ... might I say depressing ;)


But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."

Seriously, people.

It was that bad.

It can get that bad.





Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free

Musical Friday

Seriously People







It really breaks my heart
To see a dear old friend
Go down in the worn old place again

Do you know the sound
Of a closing door?
Have you heard that sound somewhere before?

Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?

To Hell and Back

So, we went through hell. And we're coming out on the other side. Except what they don't tell you is that just because you went through hell doesn't mean that hell goes away. Oh no. It is still burning at your back. All you have to do is turn around. But, that only means if that crap is always there, then the good stuff is too. I just have to keep finding it. Looking for it. Intentionally. It is hard. And sometimes I hate it and want to give up. Depression is the real deal folks and chances are you deal with it too.

But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.

This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.

I gave up.

But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.

But he didn't.

He didn't and I am still alive.






And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.

Be Still My 80s Lovin' Heart

I am totally a fan of the 80s.

The music, the movies, the hair. If I could figure out how to get volume like that then my life would be complete.

This song to me is totally reminiscent of all the best things about 80s music. Apparently this guy is/used to be part of a band called Fun. Never heard of them or him. But I definitely play this song on repeat.




Don't visions of John Cusack holding up a boombox or skiing towards you down the scariest ski slope ever pop in your head?

Excuse me while I go watch Dirty Dancing for the 100th time.

Another Musical Tuesday

Seriously people. Take a listen.

Bridges by Broods from their EP with the same name.



Oh, what the ... Just listen to the whole ep. Another one I love is Coattails.

Musical Tuesday

I was introduced to Alt J about a month ago.

I am currently listening to MS from their album titled 'An Awesome Wave' on repeat. Enjoy.

I'm The Wo-Man

I made it.
I finished my last level II fieldwork.
 I have fun things to write about starting next week. I will be in Southern California from Sunday to Wednesday. Then be ready for the post-ocalypse (not exactly accurate, but I was pretty proud for coming up with that...).

This is how I feel. #pufferfamilysong

I'm the mother freakin' WOMAN!



Holy crap! I'm done......

Musical Sunday

This is the first Sunday in maybe 5 Sunday's that I won't be studying most of the day. And it is raining. My favorite thing to have on a Sunday - or any day for that matter.

We have been praying for rain for weeks here in the Napa Valley. They're calling it a drought. This has been a dry winter. A local branch leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints sent out a request for all the area churches to pray and fast for rain this weekend. He came to my church yesterday, gave a testimony and prayed for rain. Our church partially fasted (not sure what that means) and prayed for rain yesterday. All the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints from the Western region are fasting and praying today.

So, we wake up and it's raining on this glorious Sunday. First thing Guy says is, "Well, God must love the Mormons more than us." :D

Praise God that there isn't only one denomination whose prayers God answers.

Strahan is a folk christian artist from New Zealand. His latest album, Posters, is beautiful. This song is currently one of my favorite ones on the album.



What a beautiful reminder on this rainy day of from whom our daily bread is supplied.
(Of from whom? ... just roll with it)

Musical Sunday

I love music. It is such an important part of my life. Lately (as in since I started graduate school), I have allowed it to be put on the back burner. I haven't updated my ipod in ... well about 3 years! What a shame. So, this year I am not going to allow school/work to squelch my other hobbies. With that said, here is the musical genius that is Gungor.

I Love Who I Am With You

Most of the songs that resonate with me the most are loves songs. Love songs to God, love songs to babies, love songs to cats, love songs to lovers etc. and so forth. I am always drawn to those songs. It's probably because I have a hard time articulating my feelings, so when I hear something that helps me express what I am thinking I latch onto it and listen to it on repeat.

Here is one such song.
I Like To Be With Me When I'm With You by Drew Holcomb and The Neighbors


(Sorry the song kind of cuts off at the end. This was my favorite version, though.)

I don't think it's hard for you to figure out that I think of Guy when I hear this song. I love who I am with Guy. I would rather laze around in our apartment together than travel to *Italy with anyone else.



Until next time!

*Italy is my number one place to travel to and has been for several years now.

Changes

There are so many potential changes that Guy and I are anticipating to happen in the next year. We hope to move out of the Armpit of the World aka the Inland Empire. There are so many wonderful people here, but the cons are too great. We would never raise a family here and I have not heard one other person disagree with us on that yet. There are several prospects in the running as to where our new home will be, but I'm going to keep mum until we are certain about our move. It is exciting and scary all bundled up together in a package of anticipation.

After June - well technically March of next year, I will be done with schooling. Not for the summer, but possibly for my life. Time flies. I once heard that the older you get, each year goes by faster than the last. I am so young and time has seemed to speed up so quickly, I barely feel like I can keep up! How will it be when we are "established" and "settled" somewhere with our children, and dogs, and garden, and a million things to do? Ya know, I could let myself get overwhelmed by all the what-ifs, but lately I have been trying to let to and let God. Really, it is not always easy, but oh so worth it. Guy and I are trying to embrace change in our lives and look forward to the growth and wisdom that comes from new experiences. This makes me think of John Mayer's song, "Stop This Train." Right now the lines, "So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young" really resonate with me. I have looked forward to being older my whole life, however as I start to become that person I dreamed about, it is not exactly what I expected. is it ever? So, now we're full circle. I hope Guy and I can continually accept the future and the unknown, because there are definitely times where I would love to freeze time and never change.



Side Note: I am a huge John Mayer fan. He is a talented musician and I respect that. So, expect multiple songs from him on this here blog.

Music for the Soul

Music feeds my soul. The moments where I have felt God's presence the most and have been moved emotionally have always been coupled with and many times brought upon by music. I experience music with my whole body.

This song called Holy Spirit by Jesus Culture featuring Kim Walker-Smith is one of those songs that has given me a renewed fervor for an intimate relationship with God. I have begun to pray this prayer: "Let me become more aware of Your presence and let me experience the glory of Your goodness. Holy spirit, you are welcome here."

Happy Weekend

we were born in the valley of the dead and the wicked
that our father's father found
and where we laid him down
we were born in the shadow of the crimes of our fathers
blood was our inheritance
no, we did not ask for this

will you lead me?

we were young when we heard you call our names in the silence
like a fire in the dark
like a sword upon our hearts
we came down to the water and we begged for forgiveness
shadows lurking close behind
we were fleeing for our lives

will you lead me?

May God bless you.

Happy Sabbath