I'm Gonna Die The Exact Same Day As You

I hurt the one that I love the most.


Why do we do that? The person that I gloat about to you all the time. I said to myself, hey let's just make him feel like crap.

And then I did.

So, this is my open letter of apology to him.

How do I say I'm sorry in a way that you'll believe? How do I convince you that you have my heart even when my mouth says otherwise?

I belong to you.

Sometimes I say things that I don't mean. Or sometimes I say things I shouldn't say even if I mean them.

I belong to you.

Sometimes I lie. I flat out lie. What does that say about me? I did. I do. I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to make myself feel good about me, so I tear you down. I climb up on the pile of rubble that once was you just to leave my own demons behind for awhile.

I belong to you.

Oh, I'm depressed - I have anxiety. I need all the attention and love in this relationship. Funny how that works, huh? I take and take and take and I suck you dry sometimes. And here I am, when I push you to the breaking point I immediately want you back.

I belong to you.

I'm sorry for the mess that I am. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. I regret the words I spoke. Can you take this broken mess and still love it?

I belong to you. 

Baby, let's put this back together now. But, if you need time I understand.

Because that's the beauty of our marriage.

We've    got    time.

And, I belong to you.

 

Two Are Better Than One

My journey has taken my down many dark roads. Some I share here, but others I dare not. While I wish to be candid, I also must remember my professional career and my clients. This is an open blog and, to be frank, I don't think it would be appropriate for them to know every detail.

But, I will share this.

It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.

You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.

Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.

Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.

At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.

But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.

When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.

When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.

When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.

The buzzing in your head will subside.

You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.

You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.



Two are better than one.

To Hell and Back

So, we went through hell. And we're coming out on the other side. Except what they don't tell you is that just because you went through hell doesn't mean that hell goes away. Oh no. It is still burning at your back. All you have to do is turn around. But, that only means if that crap is always there, then the good stuff is too. I just have to keep finding it. Looking for it. Intentionally. It is hard. And sometimes I hate it and want to give up. Depression is the real deal folks and chances are you deal with it too.

But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.

This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.

I gave up.

But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.

But he didn't.

He didn't and I am still alive.






And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.