I am a perfectionist.
Do you know how terrible it feels to always be falling short of perfection - which doesn't even exist, except in my mind?
I feel as if I am in the middle of a battle all. the. time. I am fighting with all that I have against my perfectionism tendencies. It depresses me. It gives me anxiety. So many times I have to hand the sword to someone else who is bigger and stronger than me. But then - there are those times - those times where I can stand on my own and beat the crap outta life.
But, of course, John Mayer said it best.
Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know
I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run
I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Then nothing will
All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run
I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
No more suffering
No more pain
Never again
I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run
I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Two Are Better Than One
My journey has taken my down many dark roads. Some I share here, but others I dare not. While I wish to be candid, I also must remember my professional career and my clients. This is an open blog and, to be frank, I don't think it would be appropriate for them to know every detail.
But, I will share this.
It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.
You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.
Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.
Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.
At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.
But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.
When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.
When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.
When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.
The buzzing in your head will subside.
You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.
You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.
Two are better than one.
But, I will share this.
It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.
You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.
Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.
Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.
At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.
But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.
When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.
When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.
When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.
The buzzing in your head will subside.
You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.
You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.
Two are better than one.
Depression - Again
Again?! I know ... this blog has become quite ... might I say depressing ;)
But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."
Seriously, people.
It was that bad.
It can get that bad.
Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas
Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore
By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free
But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."
Seriously, people.
It was that bad.
It can get that bad.
Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas
Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore
By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free
Sensory Processing and Your Core Beliefs
Parallels. It's how we relate things. It's how we make sense of the world. Of new situations. It helps us keep order in our brains.
So, here is my parallel.
I work with kids. Many of the have a sensory processing disorder. What's that? Well,
"Sensory processing (sometimes called "sensory integration" or SI) is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively." Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation
So, you get the gist? This is something these kids have experienced from day one. This is their norm. This is what feels good even though it is not what a typically developing person experiences. Even though is leads to countless difficulties in their day to day lives. This is what makes sense to them. Their nervous systems may be "out of whack" but it's their "out of whack." They are not choosing to be this way. They can't help it.
Bare with me.
Today I talked with my therapist about core beliefs. Everyone has them. Whether right or wrong, good or bad. Everyone has this inherent belief about who they are. I discovered mine today. It wasn't pretty. My therapist helped me see how it has impacted me positively in my life, but also negatively. These core beliefs contribute to how I react to certain triggers. These triggers lead to automatic thoughts which are, in turn, fed by my core belief about myself.
But you know what. It is who I am. And I have fought tooth and nail to keep my core beliefs close to me. I never realized that until today. Even though they hurt me.
Even though they sometimes hurt other people.
It is engrained in me. And just like those kiddos with SPD it feels normal. It is what we have been experiencing for our whole lives.
I learned that my kiddos with SPD will fight you tooth and nail when you begin therapy with them and start to regulate their nervous systems.
I learned that we hold onto our core beliefs so tightly we will do almost anything to make sure they are real. Because it is who we are, despite the outcome. It doesn't feel right to change.
But just like I ask my kids every day to step outside of their comfort zone into a world that is regulated and stable.
I also have to ask that of myself.
So, here is my parallel.
I work with kids. Many of the have a sensory processing disorder. What's that? Well,
"Sensory processing (sometimes called "sensory integration" or SI) is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses.
Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively." Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation
So, you get the gist? This is something these kids have experienced from day one. This is their norm. This is what feels good even though it is not what a typically developing person experiences. Even though is leads to countless difficulties in their day to day lives. This is what makes sense to them. Their nervous systems may be "out of whack" but it's their "out of whack." They are not choosing to be this way. They can't help it.
Bare with me.
Today I talked with my therapist about core beliefs. Everyone has them. Whether right or wrong, good or bad. Everyone has this inherent belief about who they are. I discovered mine today. It wasn't pretty. My therapist helped me see how it has impacted me positively in my life, but also negatively. These core beliefs contribute to how I react to certain triggers. These triggers lead to automatic thoughts which are, in turn, fed by my core belief about myself.
But you know what. It is who I am. And I have fought tooth and nail to keep my core beliefs close to me. I never realized that until today. Even though they hurt me.
Even though they sometimes hurt other people.
It is engrained in me. And just like those kiddos with SPD it feels normal. It is what we have been experiencing for our whole lives.
I learned that my kiddos with SPD will fight you tooth and nail when you begin therapy with them and start to regulate their nervous systems.
I learned that we hold onto our core beliefs so tightly we will do almost anything to make sure they are real. Because it is who we are, despite the outcome. It doesn't feel right to change.
But just like I ask my kids every day to step outside of their comfort zone into a world that is regulated and stable.
I also have to ask that of myself.
To Hell and Back
So, we went through hell. And we're coming out on the other side. Except what they don't tell you is that just because you went through hell doesn't mean that hell goes away. Oh no. It is still burning at your back. All you have to do is turn around. But, that only means if that crap is always there, then the good stuff is too. I just have to keep finding it. Looking for it. Intentionally. It is hard. And sometimes I hate it and want to give up. Depression is the real deal folks and chances are you deal with it too.
But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.
This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.
I gave up.
But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.
But he didn't.
He didn't and I am still alive.
And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.
But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.
This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.
I gave up.
But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.
But he didn't.
He didn't and I am still alive.
And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.
What's Next?
What happens after you are hospitalized with mental health issues and diagnosed? With questions of possible other diagnoses that I am not ready to share yet?
You set up an appointment with your new psychiatrist to manage medications etc.
You get a therapist, in my case her credentials are LCPC (Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor).
You have another appointment with your primary care physician who just happens to want you to come in next week for a pap smear. -_-
You go to the pharmacy - again - and get about four bags worth of pills and say hi to the pharmacist because he recognizes you.
You feel restless, but tired at the same time. And start blaming everything on the medications, like feeling tired yet restless at the same time.
And somehow, this is your life and you continue to live it and you also go on bike rides with your husband, and get brunch with friends, and sing solos at church.
You keep moving forward.
Because going backwards is not an option.
You set up an appointment with your new psychiatrist to manage medications etc.
You get a therapist, in my case her credentials are LCPC (Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor).
You have another appointment with your primary care physician who just happens to want you to come in next week for a pap smear. -_-
You go to the pharmacy - again - and get about four bags worth of pills and say hi to the pharmacist because he recognizes you.
You feel restless, but tired at the same time. And start blaming everything on the medications, like feeling tired yet restless at the same time.
And somehow, this is your life and you continue to live it and you also go on bike rides with your husband, and get brunch with friends, and sing solos at church.
You keep moving forward.
Because going backwards is not an option.
Insomnia // Or That Time I Went To A Psych Ward
I have major depressive disorder along with generalized anxiety disorder.
I just spent 5 days in a behavioral health medicine center. A psych ward. As in the doors were locked and my bedroom door couldn't be closed and every patient had eyes laid on them by a psych tech or nurse every 15 minutes - 24 hours a day.
Why did I go to the hospital?
Because I was having persistent suicidal ideation, low motivation, panic attacks, little to no sleep, and low energy levels.
According to my last few posts I am sure that some of you aren't surprised.
So, why am I blasting this on the internets where nothing ever really disappears despite how many times you delete it? Because it needs to be talked about.
I am not ashamed to say that I have felt hopeless. I have felt like the world was swallowing me whole. Like I was knocked into a giant wave and being tossed and turned this way and that, trying to swim to the surface and not being able to identify which way is up. Which way leads me towards oxygen - life.
And here is the fun part. I have felt that way, and I still will. I am in the beginning of the healing process and it won't be easy. So many people share their stories after they have been restored. I do not want to take away the value of that, but I wish I would have known more about other stories people have related to depression and anxiety while I was feeling hopeless before I started getting help. So, here I am sharing with you. If you feel like this. You're not alone, but you should seek out help.
You need to.
Yesterday I felt restless and hyperactive like I never have. Today I feel exhausted with little motivation. So, I am going to leave things where they are at.
This isn't the end of this story and I will continue to share my journey here.
Until next time.
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