I'm An Idiot

There was a time where 1 am was no big deal for me. In fact, that was when I was finally getting to bed. Not so much mi amigos.

I have been drugged now since February. One of those lovely medications helps me sleep. Well, I let life get busy aka I'm an idiot aka I let me medications run out before getting new ones. I have slept minimally for two nights now.

Want to know what anxiety mixed with insomnia looks like? No? Too bad.

First off, you have layers upon layers of thinking going on. It's nuts. I'll be thinking about two or three things - flickering through them constantly. Then, I'll also be singing the same line of a song in my head over and over and over again. So, this is all going on and I'll latch on to a thought.

Exhibit A: I have to drive to my psychiatrist's office to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow.

Then I start planning my driving route. When will I turn into which lanes? What road was it on again? What if it is really busy when I am driving? Will I forget how to drive? What if my feet forget which pedals to push?

And so on and so forth.

Then the big one hits. What if while I am driving over the bridge, an earthquake hits and my car falls into a large, deep hole?

Then we begin to escalate very quickly.

What if I don't die before I hit the bottom of the hole? What will that feel like? Will death hurt? I will definitely pray that God takes me quickly. But, what if I somehow get out of the car and am holding onto a bar? What if no one can get me before I fall? What if I fall? What will falling feel like? What if I don't die when I hit the ground? What if I am just hurt really bad, like a piece of rebar goes through my hip? How much will that hurt? How long will it take them to save me? What if they can't? How will Guy react? Will I recover quickly from surgery?

Okay, you get the picture. I end up lying there awake, staring at the ceiling, praying that sleep will come.

But it hasn't yet.

Not tonight.

What do you do when insomnia and/or anxiety hits at night?

What's Next?

What happens after you are hospitalized with mental health issues and diagnosed? With questions of possible other diagnoses that I am not ready to share yet?


You set up an appointment with your new psychiatrist to manage medications etc.

You get a therapist, in my case her credentials are LCPC (Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor).

You have another appointment with your primary care physician who just happens to want you to come in next week for a pap smear. -_-

You go to the pharmacy - again - and get about four bags worth of pills and say hi to the pharmacist because he recognizes you.

You feel restless, but tired at the same time. And start blaming everything on the medications, like feeling tired yet restless at the same time.


And somehow, this is your life and you continue to live it and you also go on bike rides with your husband, and get brunch with friends, and sing solos at church.

You keep moving forward.


Because going backwards is not an option.

Insomnia // Or That Time I Went To A Psych Ward

I have major depressive disorder along with generalized anxiety disorder.

I just spent 5 days in a behavioral health medicine center. A psych ward. As in the doors were locked and my bedroom door couldn't be closed and every patient had eyes laid on them by a psych tech or nurse every 15 minutes - 24 hours a day.

Why did I go to the hospital?
Because I was having persistent suicidal ideation, low motivation, panic attacks, little to no sleep, and low energy levels.

According to my last few posts I am sure that some of you aren't surprised.

So, why am I blasting this on the internets where nothing ever really disappears despite how many times you delete it? Because it needs to be talked about.

I am not ashamed to say that I have felt hopeless. I have felt like the world was swallowing me whole. Like I was knocked into a giant wave and being tossed and turned this way and that, trying to swim to the surface and not being able to identify which way is up. Which way leads me towards oxygen - life.

And here is the fun part. I have felt that way, and I still will. I am in the beginning of the healing process and it won't be easy. So many people share their stories after they have been restored. I do not want to take away the value of that, but I wish I would have known more about other stories people have related to depression and anxiety while I was feeling hopeless before I started getting help. So, here I am sharing with you. If you feel like this. You're not alone, but you should seek out help.

You need to.

Yesterday I felt restless and hyperactive like I never have. Today I feel exhausted with little motivation. So, I am going to leave things where they are at.

This isn't the end of this story and I will continue to share my journey here.

Until next time.