I'm An Idiot

There was a time where 1 am was no big deal for me. In fact, that was when I was finally getting to bed. Not so much mi amigos.

I have been drugged now since February. One of those lovely medications helps me sleep. Well, I let life get busy aka I'm an idiot aka I let me medications run out before getting new ones. I have slept minimally for two nights now.

Want to know what anxiety mixed with insomnia looks like? No? Too bad.

First off, you have layers upon layers of thinking going on. It's nuts. I'll be thinking about two or three things - flickering through them constantly. Then, I'll also be singing the same line of a song in my head over and over and over again. So, this is all going on and I'll latch on to a thought.

Exhibit A: I have to drive to my psychiatrist's office to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow.

Then I start planning my driving route. When will I turn into which lanes? What road was it on again? What if it is really busy when I am driving? Will I forget how to drive? What if my feet forget which pedals to push?

And so on and so forth.

Then the big one hits. What if while I am driving over the bridge, an earthquake hits and my car falls into a large, deep hole?

Then we begin to escalate very quickly.

What if I don't die before I hit the bottom of the hole? What will that feel like? Will death hurt? I will definitely pray that God takes me quickly. But, what if I somehow get out of the car and am holding onto a bar? What if no one can get me before I fall? What if I fall? What will falling feel like? What if I don't die when I hit the ground? What if I am just hurt really bad, like a piece of rebar goes through my hip? How much will that hurt? How long will it take them to save me? What if they can't? How will Guy react? Will I recover quickly from surgery?

Okay, you get the picture. I end up lying there awake, staring at the ceiling, praying that sleep will come.

But it hasn't yet.

Not tonight.

What do you do when insomnia and/or anxiety hits at night?