1. Go one week without crying
2. Try not to think about dying so often
3. Don't die - also don't kill yourself
And you think I'm being funny. *shakes head* If only you knew what it was like to live inside this brain. I had a counseling session on Tuesday that kicked my ass. Like she asked me one question that just happened to hit so close to home that I went from sarcasm to crying in about 0.5 seconds. (Obviously haven't successfully met goal numero uno yet) I pretty much have some sort of break down once a week right now. It's awesome - for everyone involved.
My therapist and I filled out a sheet titled, 'Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram.' I had to identify 3 situations where I was experiencing depressive / anxious thoughts. I had to then write down the automatic thought that was associated with each situation. I had to identify what the meaning of those automatic thoughts were to me, what my emotions were during these situations, and what my behavior was (crying - duh). After that was done, we looked at the three automatic thoughts that I had relating to those three different situations. And you know what - we re-confirmed what my core belief is about myself. It really was fascinating to see that same thread through every difficulty that I had experienced. It all boils down to this one belief that I have about myself.
My therapist says I can keep that belief, but only if I can prove to her that it is accurate and confirmed by other sources outside myself. I'm trying really hard to prove it, but so far the only thing that validates it is me, myself, and I. Really, though, you can tell me all you want how much I matter (assuming you think that - no pressure), but I can always discount your sentiments. I am master at self-deprecating. It really is an art.
Therapy is really hard and you end up taking more steps back then you do forward. (You meaning me...) Ya know, a year ago I was spiraling - fast. It's hard to feel like you haven't made as much progress as you'd like. I honestly thought that by now it would all be in the past.
So, yeah, crappy new year to you and yours.
I took a break from blogging for awhile. A series of events compelled me to share this space with a lot of people I know. Something I didn't think I would do. Though I feel like I did the right thing at the time, it also turned me off to sharing anything through this blog. (Make sense? No? Well who asked you anyways) But it has been several months since then and I fully believe that the interest in my blog has died down. So, I have returned to once again post my most depressing thoughts and share with you my journey. Except when I say journey, I don't mean an epic like Lord of the Rings or even Finding Nemo. I mean something more like getting lost in the woods where am thinking suspiciously, 'I swear I've seen that same damn tree 20 times.'
Literally going in circles over here.
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