Cautiously Optimistic

Well, you'll notice I haven't written anything for almost two months now. Surprisingly, it's not because I'm too busy or too lazy. It's because I don't have anything to whine about right now. Like, I'm doing ... okay ...

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and we decided that I can use my medications on an 'as needed' basis. Which I am thrilled about - and not because I don't believe in medication. You best believe I'm poppin' pills whenever I get the slightest pain. But I was on 5 meds. One for sleep, one for anxiety, one to help my depression, one to help my depression pill to work better, and one to help curb the side effects of said helper pill.

Anyways, I was so tired all the time. I even started drinking caffeine intermittently *cough* most days *cough* because I was having a hard time functioning. I would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and wake up exhausted. So, I'm just happy not to have to deal with any crazy side effects.

But, really, the truth? I don't know why I am doing so well. I honestly don't know. I didn't make any huge changes in my thinking or even spiritual life. I'm not on any new medication. I didn't have some major breakthrough with my therapist. And to be honest. I'm quite nervous about this whole thing. It's disconcerting because I am always thinking in the back of my mind that something is going to trigger me and I'm going to fall down this black hole again.

But, maybe it's not about breakthrough moments and big spiritual 'healings' or black and then white. Maybe it's more about one moment from the next. And catching yourself in dark thoughts one time and then not that often and then rarely at all. Maybe it's about adjusting and changing and moving forward when you don't even realize it is happening. It's kinda like, when I started focusing on other aspects of my life, I started moving away from the darkness inside me.  Maybe it's the culmination of everything - the medications, the hospital stay, the therapy, the support and prayers. Maybe that's it.





And maybe I'm spewing out a bunch of bull crap full of unicorns and fairies that never die and I'll be back in no time spilling my eternally depressing life to the interwebs.


But in the meantime, I'm not sure what this space will become for me. I don't believe I am 'cured' and I know that just because I have been doing well doesn't mean I won't have 'bad' days. It's inevitable, but maybe I'll be able to handle them now. Cross your fingers for me.