Identity Crisis

I've tried to write several different posts lately, but I just haven't had it in me.

We have moved twice and are currently recreating our lives in Idaho. I finished school, but am not registered/licensed to work yet so I'm currently at a standstill. I have been experiencing what G and I both referred to at separate times as an identity crisis, which has been characterized by moodiness, sensitivity, lethargy, resentment, and deep self-doubt. I've had to come to terms with the fact that some people don't want to stay in  your life - even when the reason is not apparent. (which kind of makes it worse, because then you start to realize that maybe they just don't want to take the effort to continue to be in your life) And my childhood pet of about 13 years died recently. I am exhausted.

The joy I have displayed on the blog recently is not fake, this is just another layer I have been dealing with this year. And I think it is okay to feel and display other emotions rather than always appearing to have a jolly good time. It's just coming to terms and coping with the other emotions.

Well, I'm still in the thick of it and all of my thoughts are muddled and this post is turning out much different than I had planned in my head earlier today. But what I do know is that it has brought me full circle to my knees. I won't pretend that I have had some exuberant spiritual revival. I feel as if my relationship with God has always come softly. I've always felt His presence in a very deep and quiet way, which reflects my personality. Funny how that works.

From my morning devotions: "You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book" "... And in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge" Psalm 56:8 and Psalm 57:1

So, I promise I'll return to my regularly scheduled light/sarcastic posts about my glamorous life. But I just needed to keep it real.

It's an uphill battle, but one that I thankfully do not have to fight on my own.


And a few iphone photos from this weekend because life isn't all bad.

Trying To Get Some Perspective

God never puts a person in a place too small to grow or too unimportant to make a difference.


I am trying really hard to believe this right now.


I am still alive.


Happy Friday.



 I'll be talking to you in about two weeks.

Musical Sunday

This is the first Sunday in maybe 5 Sunday's that I won't be studying most of the day. And it is raining. My favorite thing to have on a Sunday - or any day for that matter.

We have been praying for rain for weeks here in the Napa Valley. They're calling it a drought. This has been a dry winter. A local branch leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints sent out a request for all the area churches to pray and fast for rain this weekend. He came to my church yesterday, gave a testimony and prayed for rain. Our church partially fasted (not sure what that means) and prayed for rain yesterday. All the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-day Saints from the Western region are fasting and praying today.

So, we wake up and it's raining on this glorious Sunday. First thing Guy says is, "Well, God must love the Mormons more than us." :D

Praise God that there isn't only one denomination whose prayers God answers.

Strahan is a folk christian artist from New Zealand. His latest album, Posters, is beautiful. This song is currently one of my favorite ones on the album.



What a beautiful reminder on this rainy day of from whom our daily bread is supplied.
(Of from whom? ... just roll with it)

The Beginning of 2014

I have so many things to share and so little time to share them in. I'm trying to be a good student and focus mostly on studying this week as I prepare to start my fieldwork on Monday. I had to take a break to say happy new year!

Guy and I took a walk on a trail near my grandmother's house. It was a beautiful way to start our new year. We are excited to see what this year has in store for us. I will be graduating. We will be moving. I will be searching for a full-time job this summer. Guy is deciding what he wants to do in regards to his next career move.

The past few days I have been reading about King Solomon in 1 Kings and also reading through Proverbs. My prayer for this year is that I grow in wisdom and discernment as I grow personally and transition from a student to a working professional.

"If you will receive my words and treasure my commandments within you, make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heat to understanding; If you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord and discover the knowledge of God."
Proverbs 2:1-5

Happiest of new years!
Until next time!


**It just took probably 15 minutes to upload these photos... The internet here is sllloowwwww, so sorry if the amount of photos I put up decreases! Also, I'll try to get a post up this week about our trip to Michigan for Christmas.**

Changes

There are so many potential changes that Guy and I are anticipating to happen in the next year. We hope to move out of the Armpit of the World aka the Inland Empire. There are so many wonderful people here, but the cons are too great. We would never raise a family here and I have not heard one other person disagree with us on that yet. There are several prospects in the running as to where our new home will be, but I'm going to keep mum until we are certain about our move. It is exciting and scary all bundled up together in a package of anticipation.

After June - well technically March of next year, I will be done with schooling. Not for the summer, but possibly for my life. Time flies. I once heard that the older you get, each year goes by faster than the last. I am so young and time has seemed to speed up so quickly, I barely feel like I can keep up! How will it be when we are "established" and "settled" somewhere with our children, and dogs, and garden, and a million things to do? Ya know, I could let myself get overwhelmed by all the what-ifs, but lately I have been trying to let to and let God. Really, it is not always easy, but oh so worth it. Guy and I are trying to embrace change in our lives and look forward to the growth and wisdom that comes from new experiences. This makes me think of John Mayer's song, "Stop This Train." Right now the lines, "So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young" really resonate with me. I have looked forward to being older my whole life, however as I start to become that person I dreamed about, it is not exactly what I expected. is it ever? So, now we're full circle. I hope Guy and I can continually accept the future and the unknown, because there are definitely times where I would love to freeze time and never change.



Side Note: I am a huge John Mayer fan. He is a talented musician and I respect that. So, expect multiple songs from him on this here blog.

A Family Reunion with the Master

Guy and I lost a grandmother this past week. She was mine through marriage and Guy's through blood. It was very hard hearing about her health deteriorating as we live so far away from our family in the Midwest. We felt, and still feel, so far removed from the whole situation. Distance is not fun.

On the day we got the news of her passing I frantically started searching the scriptures for any comforting words for myself and Guy. I came across a passage which is well known to most Christians, however I found new meaning in it when I read it from The Message.

"And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence - we have the Master's word on it - that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they'll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God's trumpet blast! He'll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise - they'll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we'll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words."
1 Thessalonians 4:15-18

by Nathan Greene

I had the privilege of knowing grandma for 4 and a 1/2 years. There was never a dull moment with her and I many fond memories spent with her and grandpa. What a blessing to have something to look forward to when a loved one is lost.

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On Being A Mother

With mother's day right around the corner, my thoughts have been consumed with what it will be like to have children someday. This generally is something I think about at least once a day. But now, I think about it at least twice a day. ;)

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I have always known I wanted to be a mother. Some of my favorite stories are ones like Cheaper By The Dozen or Room For One More where "organized chaos" ensues and homes are filled with laughter, children, and pets. I relish being surrounded by my family, just soaking up the acceptance and love. I have dreams of passing that on to my own children someday. I am blessed to have found a spouse who wants the same things for our children. We may not agree on how many we are going to have, but we at least know we want to raise children that love God, their fellow humans, and animals (I added the animals one in there. I'm sure Guy would agree.).

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I cannot wait to start a family. Getting to hold my own child for the first time, giving them a name chosen specifically for them, and having the privilege of raising and loving them overwhelms me at times. I feel as if it goes beyond just wanting to be a mother. I feel called. And I know not all women are. Guy and I have found wonderful mentors in a couple that has chosen not to have children. I do not see them as "lacking" anything and neither do they feel that way (to my knowledge).

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As these thoughts has swirled around in my head over the years, I have many times told myself that I should not be feeling this way. First off, I just turned 23, I have yet to finish graduate school, and am up to my ears in loan debt. I should want to enjoy the freedom of being a young married woman. Why would I want children to "tie me down"? I should not look forward to being a new mother because I  hear that you rarely get sleep, or time to yourself. Babies cry, and need your attention constantly and not much changes as they grow up. Children are so inconvenient. Unknowingly, I had accepted our society's view of motherhood, especially the view of becoming a mother as a young woman.

Almost two weeks ago now a classmate sent me a blog post entitled, "Having Babies (in Opposite World)" written by Courtney. The first time I read it I cried. I had been feeling so many of the things she wrote, and I am not even pregnant. I love this reminder, "When the world says, you are too young. Remember Mary was young. When the world says, you are too old. Remember Sarah was old. When the world says, you don’t know what you are doing. Remember Eve – who had no role models at all…she just walked with the King." Another blog quoted in the post resonated with me. The part quoted states that, "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."  So, I have fully embraced my calling as a mother and eagerly anticipate the day when it will become a reality. No, this does not mean Guy and I are "trying." When to have a child is something we will decide as a couple, and even then, God is the author of our story and can be the only one to really know when a child will become part of our family.

I have watched this video several times. I first saw it on the blog Baby Making written by Becky. The video is filmed by her husband featuring their twin's birth story. (No, it isn't of the actual labor.) I watch the video and dream of when it will be my turn to bring new life into the world.



Birth Story from travispitcher on Vimeo.

Now, I just need to remember to daily put my plans in God's hands and trust in His perfect timing. 

Music for the Soul

Music feeds my soul. The moments where I have felt God's presence the most and have been moved emotionally have always been coupled with and many times brought upon by music. I experience music with my whole body.

This song called Holy Spirit by Jesus Culture featuring Kim Walker-Smith is one of those songs that has given me a renewed fervor for an intimate relationship with God. I have begun to pray this prayer: "Let me become more aware of Your presence and let me experience the glory of Your goodness. Holy spirit, you are welcome here."