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| Engagement photo in San Francisco, CA |
We have been married for 857 days. Small compared to many, I know. Guy and I did premarital counseling and I feel as if marriage is like any new experience you have. People can give you advice, explain every detail, have you read books, but nothing is like experiencing if for yourself. No, I am not saying to avoid any advice given and jump into marriage with both eyes closed. I am saying that while preparation is necessary, you cannot expect your experience to fit into a prefabricated box or formula. Everyone is unique, thus every experience they have is unique - including their marriage. My experience is different than yours. I have started to develop my own opinions through my personal experiences and thought I might share a few.
Josef Kissinger Photography
Marriage is hard.
There truly is a "honeymoon phase." At least in our marriage. When the last relative has left after the wedding, the last wedding present opened, the (literal) honeymoon has ended and "real life" returns, you start to remember that you are bound to a real, living, breathing human being. A human being who doesn't hang up his clothes, neglects to wash the dishes, doesn't notice right away that the house is clean, and criticizes your driving. It hits you hard. The person you married has flaws. And then the first misunderstanding, and you see that you have flaws too. Cultivating a marriage that flourishes is hard work. It takes time. You have to choose to be a part of your marriage on a daily basis. There are days where Guy and I just can't seem to get on the same page. Yet, our marriage works because we keep trying. We argue. I say the wrong thing. He hurts my feelings. We make up. And we try harder next time.
I love this beautiful quote by Bob Marley (I tried to research if he actually said this, and I found no evidence disputing the quote!). It brings me to my next thought.
Husbands do not behave like they do in the media.
"He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment..." I had a hard time accepting this reality. I love love. I love reading about love, listening to music about love, and watching movies about love. Many times what the media portrays is a watered-down, easy bake oven version of true love and how men react in love. (Remember that I said every experience is unique!) Guy doesn't sing love songs to me. He doesn't write me love sonnets. He doesn't pick wildflowers for me once a week. He scratches his man parts ;) in my presence and sometimes he would rather play video games than watch the latest rom-com! Didn't he watch all of the same romantic movies I watched? Once I realized the distorted view I received from the media and started looking at real love stories that I have witnessed in my life (my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles) I began to understand true love and how Guy shows it to me. Granted, that doesn't mean I gave up on ways that I wanted Guy to show love to me. We have talked about the 5 love languages and are continuing to learn how to show each other our love in the way that the other person will feel it the most. For example, Guy has started writing me letters and having them printed and framed. (I LOVE that.) I hang them in our living room for all to see. Anyways, Guy isn't some fantasy man who spends 24 hours a day dreaming up ways to express his love for me. You know what? I feel completely and utterly loved despite that. Guy always shows up, he puts his whole heart into a task, he praises my accomplishments, he is not afraid to show others that he loves me, and on and on it goes. I have discovered that my man needs what I call "man time." The moments when he is most attentive to me always happen right after he has been able to spend some man time with friends or by himself. His manliness is recharged, he feels refreshed, and somehow that equals a more romantic husband.
No matter what. Despite what he does, who he sees, and where he goes throughout the day, he always comes home to me. That seems pretty romantic to me. Wouldn't you agree?
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Communication is key.
I hate confrontation. I am an introvert and sometimes would rather listen versus talking. I take an exceptionally long time to digest my feelings and others thoughts. Guy is my opposite. We have had to learn from each other and work hard (We still do) at understanding how the other person communicates. I had to learn to find my voice. Guy had to learn to wait for me to speak. Sometimes communicating is messy. Sometimes you say things you regret. Sometimes speaking can physically hurt. Sometimes it leads to tears and apologies. But communicating has always led to a richer, deeper, and healthier marriage when we are willing to listen to each other, accept apologies, and learn from and apply what is communicated. "It is gonna hurt because it matters." I want Guy to be the only man I am ever married to. I want him to tell me his thoughts. I want to continue to learn about who he is and where our marriage could take us. Because of that, I have learned to communicate.
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| Sarah Noel Photography |
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage."
-Robert Anderson
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