Marriage: A State of Mind

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Because of all of the positive feedback and many questions about how I make my marriage work on my last post, I have decided to bestow upon you more knowledge gained through my own sweat and blood. [insert sarcasm]

But really.

I have come to realize that marriage should be a state of mind. I wasn't originally going to call it a state of mind because according to wordnetweb.princeton.edu a state of mind is a temporary psychological state. Marriage definitely is not intended to be temporary, but you definitely have to choose on a daily basis to be present in your marriage.

Making a marriage work takes a daily commitment. I think sometimes we can have this idea that says something like our love will get us through anything. Not true. We say all you need is love. Actually you need much more than love! And can I just say something really quick? I do not believe that you can't help who you fall in love with. You choose to be there. You choose to pursue that person. If you spend a certain amount of time gazing into someone's eyes or getting physical with them then yeah, someone's going to hope this relationship goes further. Which brings me to another belief that I have, and that is that men and women cannot be friends. It will never stay strictly platonic. But I am getting off track.

Anyways, where was I? Love is beautiful and is important in a marriage. But I don't wake up every morning or go to sleep every night thinking wow, I am so incredibly in love with my husband. I am the happiest, luckiest wife on the face of this planet. Sometimes I let worries from school cloud my judgement or I had an argument with Guy or I just need some alone time. And love does not always manifest itself in fireworks, butterflies in your stomach, or having your breath taken away. Actually, it usually is the complete opposite. And that can be when marriage is hard. Wait! What? I don't get a fairytale ending every night?


Yeah. You don't. But that's where the state of mind thing comes in. You choose to be in it. I will never cheat on Guy, but what has changed about that statement is that I realize that I still have to protect myself from those types of temptations. I was first introduced to this idea here. (I would highly recommend regularly visiting staymarriedblog.com) Initially I balked at the idea because ha, I would never think about hurting Guy like that. I have never cheated in my life and don't plan on starting now. But that's the thing. I am fully aware that cheating just doesn't happen, but I think that a lot of the time it is not planned.

An example: Before I was engaged, whenever I encountered a nice, attractive, young man I would notice him. I would think I wonder what he would be like as a boyfriend, fiance, or husband? What would he do in [insert situation here]? How would he treat me? How would he be as a dad? I would think things like that based on what stage of life I was in. And you want to know what? So far, I have been single/on the lookout longer in my life than I have been married. And I find myself still automatically thinking thoughts like that. It's true. It happens. Not because I am unhappy with Guy or regret getting married, but because it is a habit.

I was talking to Guy about this and he said it is like how he will still notice a beautiful woman or any woman who is dressed scantily. He could let his mind stray and pursue different women, but he doesn't. I could allow myself to become emotionally involved with another man. If I let thoughts continue like the ones I talked about above, especially with a man who I know and may see on a regular basis, then that would lead to comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Marriage is a state of mind. Whenever I encounter a nice man whose company I may enjoy, I immediately choose to find Guy in the room (Because Guy is always there. I do not hang out with non-relative males by myself.). I look at him and think about the wonderful things he has done for me, why I want to make this marriage work, and how God has truly blessed me with an understanding, patient husband.

I choose that state of mind. I choose my marriage. I change my thinking. And all of this stuff that I do is truly by the grace of God and only accomplished with His strength. I am a human and I am weak. But with His loving guidance, we will not only make our marriage work now, but we will make it last. I chose Guy through better or worse.

I'm not trying to put anyone down or condemn anyone for letting their thoughts stray. On those days when you're feeling annoyed at your spouse and that lovin' feeling just doesn't seem to be there in that moment, it's okay. It's what you do after that moment that counts. Let yourself take a minute if need be. Then plunge back in. It's a choice. Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard, but it is also rewarding, fulfilling, and even fun.

Keep at it!

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At this moment we have been married for approximately 1064 days, 6 hours, and 18 minutes. I look forward to choosing this life with Guy for many more days.


*Sorry this post was kind of long. I hope it made some sense. I won't pretend to be an expert on marriage. I just feel the growing pains and when I do I like to share my thoughts.

Until next time!