I'm Gonna Die The Exact Same Day As You

I hurt the one that I love the most.

Why do we do that? The person that I gloat about to you all the time. I said to myself, hey let's just make him feel like crap.

And then I did.

So, this is my open letter of apology to him.

How do I say I'm sorry in a way that you'll believe? How do I convince you that you have my heart even when my mouth says otherwise?

I belong to you.

Sometimes I say things that I don't mean. Or sometimes I say things I shouldn't say even if I mean them.

I belong to you.

Sometimes I lie. I flat out lie. What does that say about me? I did. I do. I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to make myself feel good about me, so I tear you down. I climb up on the pile of rubble that once was you just to leave my own demons behind for awhile.

I belong to you.

Oh, I'm depressed - I have anxiety. I need all the attention and love in this relationship. Funny how that works, huh? I take and take and take and I suck you dry sometimes. And here I am, when I push you to the breaking point I immediately want you back.

I belong to you.

I'm sorry for the mess that I am. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. I regret the words I spoke. Can you take this broken mess and still love it?

I belong to you. 

Baby, let's put this back together now. But, if you need time I understand.

Because that's the beauty of our marriage.

We've    got    time.

And, I belong to you.


Perfectionism - It'll Kill Ya

I am a perfectionist.

Do you know how terrible it feels to always be falling short of perfection - which doesn't even exist, except in my mind?

I feel as if I am in the middle of a battle all. the. time. I am fighting with all that I have against my perfectionism tendencies. It depresses me. It gives me anxiety. So many times I have to hand the sword to someone else who is bigger and stronger than me. But then - there are those times - those times where I can stand on my own and beat the crap outta life.

But, of course, John Mayer said it best.

Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Then nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

Something For Your Ears

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own


All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see


Two Are Better Than One

My journey has taken my down many dark roads. Some I share here, but others I dare not. While I wish to be candid, I also must remember my professional career and my clients. This is an open blog and, to be frank, I don't think it would be appropriate for them to know every detail.

But, I will share this.

It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.

You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.

Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.

Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.

At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.

But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.

When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.

When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.

When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.

The buzzing in your head will subside.

You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.

You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.

Two are better than one.

Welcome To Idaho

Here is a list of things I have learned about living in Southwestern Idaho that will help you navigate without sounding like a foreigner.

1. They hate Californians. Why no other state is beyond me. So don't mention if you're from California. Or if you are brave enough to, just make sure you say how temporary it was or how much you hated living there. Lying in this situation is perfectly acceptable in order to mesh with the locals.

2. It's Boy-See not Boy-Zee when pronouncing Boise. That is a huge giveaway.

3. When you pass someone on the highway it is always on the right. Passing on the left is unheard of. The left lane is scary.

4. It's Que-Nuh not Koo-Nuh when pronouncing Kuna. But no one lives there anyways so you're probably fine.

5. Eagle is where all the richies live.

6. Your cashier can and will talk to you throughout the whole checking out process. They'll ask about your mother's brother's cousin and comment on your food choices.

7. If you see a license plate that starts with 2C then they are automatically bad drivers. Avoid them at all costs. But that'll be hard to do 'cause they'll be driving 5 under the speed limit in the left lane. (In this case the left lane is not scary, but you have to drive slowly).

8. Your neighbor, upon meeting you for the first time will most likely give you the spare key to their house. Just in case.

9. Lastly, they're the most genuine and kind people you'll ever meet. Unless you're from California.