Identity Crisis

I've tried to write several different posts lately, but I just haven't had it in me.

We have moved twice and are currently recreating our lives in Idaho. I finished school, but am not registered/licensed to work yet so I'm currently at a standstill. I have been experiencing what G and I both referred to at separate times as an identity crisis, which has been characterized by moodiness, sensitivity, lethargy, resentment, and deep self-doubt. I've had to come to terms with the fact that some people don't want to stay in  your life - even when the reason is not apparent. (which kind of makes it worse, because then you start to realize that maybe they just don't want to take the effort to continue to be in your life) And my childhood pet of about 13 years died recently. I am exhausted.

The joy I have displayed on the blog recently is not fake, this is just another layer I have been dealing with this year. And I think it is okay to feel and display other emotions rather than always appearing to have a jolly good time. It's just coming to terms and coping with the other emotions.

Well, I'm still in the thick of it and all of my thoughts are muddled and this post is turning out much different than I had planned in my head earlier today. But what I do know is that it has brought me full circle to my knees. I won't pretend that I have had some exuberant spiritual revival. I feel as if my relationship with God has always come softly. I've always felt His presence in a very deep and quiet way, which reflects my personality. Funny how that works.

From my morning devotions: "You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book" "... And in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge" Psalm 56:8 and Psalm 57:1

So, I promise I'll return to my regularly scheduled light/sarcastic posts about my glamorous life. But I just needed to keep it real.

It's an uphill battle, but one that I thankfully do not have to fight on my own.

And a few iphone photos from this weekend because life isn't all bad.

How I Became My Husband's Fiance

I guess I'm kind of skipping the actually dating part of our relationship. Really - I had no mood swings whatsoever and was an excellent communicator. That pretty much sums it all up. So, really, I can't figure out why Guy tried to break up with me once.

Hmm, we'll have to hash that one out at a later date.

We had been dating for 1.5 years when Guy proposed. We had walked through different jewelry stores at the mall once and I had pointed out rings that I liked to Guy. Guy had met my immediate family and I had met most of his immediate and extended family. No one objected to us dating so we plunged forward in our relationship.

During the summers, since Guy lived in Michigan and I went home to Kansas City, we saw each other two or three times, each of us visiting each others home. The summer of 2010 my family was planning our annual trek out to California to see all of our relatives. I begged my parents to let Guy come and then I begged Guy to come.

^^At the Grand Canyon^^

So, in late June we set off in a van that did not have A/C. It was real fun. We stopped here and there up the Coast of California working our way from L.A. to the Napa Valley.

^^ I was so cool. I'm not surprised that Guy decided to propose to me. Also, I'm not sure why there is a random shot of my mom, but I can't figure out how to get rid of it so just ignore it...^^

My parents wanted to stop in Carmel. I grew up in a small town very near there so I have fond memories of visiting Carmel and Monterey. I thought nothing of it.

After walking around Carmel for a bit, we decided to eat lunch somewhere and the typical family disagreements about where to eat ensued. At this point we had spent a lot of time cramped together in a very hot van. After lunch Guy suggested that just he and I walk down to the beach.

And at this point y'all are thinking Did you suspect anything? I really had no clue. I genuinely thought Guy just needed a minute away from everyone. Plus, Guy is not one to joke around or hint about something so serious.

We walked several blocks to the beach...

Do you love me? Yes, Guy.
Do you know that you want to be with me? Yes, Guy.
Do you have any doubts about us? No, Guy.
Do you like me? Yes, Guy.

At this point we had found a semi-secluded spot to sit down at. After Guy was completely satisfied that I would not reject his proposal this happened -

Guy: So, I guess this is the part where you stand up.
Me: What? *stands up* ....
Guy: *Kneels and pulls out a ring from his pocket* Will you marry me?
Me: ..... What? ..... Ummm, wait - Yes! YES!

We grabbed a random guy who was walking to take the below picture. And that's how we got engaged tomorrow 4 years ago. July 3rd, 2010.

Ya know, Guy didn't have fireworks in the sky (until the next day.....). He didn't record a youtube video for me. He didn't have a plane fly by that was pulling a sign. He didn't have a band play a romantic song. He didn't even have the ring in a little black box. In fact, the proposal was pretty reminiscent of how he asked me out. But I would take his gentle way of loving me over any showy gesture of affection. Guy is not one for frills, but what that means is that I get a very deep, raw and unquestionable love.

I am continually awed by how in tune Guy is to me and humbled by how he loves me despite my very real flaws. It really only gets better.

Trend Alert

I'm finally looking through my pictures from my graduation weekend and the subsequent week in Southern California. And I noticed a trend.

Seriously. Who just reverts to the open mouth deer-in-headlights as their go-to look?
This is nothing new, though. It's like a disease. I can't just be a normal person.

Better looking pictures of me to come, you ask? - Doubt it.

Also, I am going to finally continue my series about my relationship with Guy. The day Guy proposed to me is next week so it's only fitting that I write about it!