Real Life

Real Life?

I haven't cried for over a month. Is it the meds? Is it odd for me to say that I miss it?

I listen to pop music. Obvs.

I'm scared to be taking the full responsibility that my title gives me at my job. Adulting is crap sometimes.

I slept in and then stayed in bed until noon today. That hasn't happened for years.

I'm always thinking about the next clothing or housing purchase I will make. Shoppers anonymous much?

I am a perfectionist. There. I said it. And it is a painful place to be. Stay far far away from it.

And this is what my little living space looks like. minus the couch. I love it for what it is and feel it slowly is representing who Guy and I are.

Depression - Again

Again?! I know ... this blog has become quite ... might I say depressing ;)

But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."

Seriously, people.

It was that bad.

It can get that bad.

Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free

Musical Friday

Seriously People

It really breaks my heart
To see a dear old friend
Go down in the worn old place again

Do you know the sound
Of a closing door?
Have you heard that sound somewhere before?

Do you wonder if she knows you anymore?

Sensory Processing and Your Core Beliefs

Parallels. It's how we relate things. It's how we make sense of the world. Of new situations. It helps us keep order in our brains.

So, here is my parallel.

I work with kids. Many of the have a sensory processing disorder. What's that? Well,

"Sensory processing (sometimes called "sensory integration" or SI) is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD, formerly known as "sensory integration dysfunction") is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively." Sensory Processing Disorder Foundation

So, you get the gist? This is something these kids have experienced from day one. This is their norm. This is what feels good even though it is not what a typically developing person experiences. Even though is leads to countless difficulties in their day to day lives. This is what makes sense to them. Their nervous systems may be "out of whack" but it's their "out of whack." They are not choosing to be this way. They can't help it.

Bare with me.

Today I talked with my therapist about core beliefs. Everyone has them. Whether right or wrong, good or bad. Everyone has this inherent belief about who they are. I discovered mine today. It wasn't pretty. My therapist helped me see how it has impacted me positively in my life, but also negatively. These core beliefs contribute to how I react to certain triggers. These triggers lead to automatic thoughts which are, in turn, fed by my core belief about myself.

But you know what. It is who I am. And I have fought tooth and nail to keep my core beliefs close to me. I never realized that until today. Even though they hurt me.

Even though they sometimes hurt other people.

It is engrained in me. And just like those kiddos with SPD it feels normal. It is what we have been experiencing for our whole lives.

I learned that my kiddos with SPD will fight you tooth and nail when you begin therapy with them and start to regulate their nervous systems.

I learned that we hold onto our core beliefs so tightly we will do almost anything to make sure they are real. Because it is who we are, despite the outcome. It doesn't feel right to change.

But just like I ask my kids every day to step outside of their comfort zone into a world that is regulated and stable.

I also have to ask that of myself.