I'm An Idiot

There was a time where 1 am was no big deal for me. In fact, that was when I was finally getting to bed. Not so much mi amigos.

I have been drugged now since February. One of those lovely medications helps me sleep. Well, I let life get busy aka I'm an idiot aka I let me medications run out before getting new ones. I have slept minimally for two nights now.

Want to know what anxiety mixed with insomnia looks like? No? Too bad.

First off, you have layers upon layers of thinking going on. It's nuts. I'll be thinking about two or three things - flickering through them constantly. Then, I'll also be singing the same line of a song in my head over and over and over again. So, this is all going on and I'll latch on to a thought.

Exhibit A: I have to drive to my psychiatrist's office to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow.

Then I start planning my driving route. When will I turn into which lanes? What road was it on again? What if it is really busy when I am driving? Will I forget how to drive? What if my feet forget which pedals to push?

And so on and so forth.

Then the big one hits. What if while I am driving over the bridge, an earthquake hits and my car falls into a large, deep hole?

Then we begin to escalate very quickly.

What if I don't die before I hit the bottom of the hole? What will that feel like? Will death hurt? I will definitely pray that God takes me quickly. But, what if I somehow get out of the car and am holding onto a bar? What if no one can get me before I fall? What if I fall? What will falling feel like? What if I don't die when I hit the ground? What if I am just hurt really bad, like a piece of rebar goes through my hip? How much will that hurt? How long will it take them to save me? What if they can't? How will Guy react? Will I recover quickly from surgery?

Okay, you get the picture. I end up lying there awake, staring at the ceiling, praying that sleep will come.

But it hasn't yet.

Not tonight.

What do you do when insomnia and/or anxiety hits at night?

I'm Gonna Die The Exact Same Day As You

I hurt the one that I love the most.

Why do we do that? The person that I gloat about to you all the time. I said to myself, hey let's just make him feel like crap.

And then I did.

So, this is my open letter of apology to him.

How do I say I'm sorry in a way that you'll believe? How do I convince you that you have my heart even when my mouth says otherwise?

I belong to you.

Sometimes I say things that I don't mean. Or sometimes I say things I shouldn't say even if I mean them.

I belong to you.

Sometimes I lie. I flat out lie. What does that say about me? I did. I do. I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to make myself feel good about me, so I tear you down. I climb up on the pile of rubble that once was you just to leave my own demons behind for awhile.

I belong to you.

Oh, I'm depressed - I have anxiety. I need all the attention and love in this relationship. Funny how that works, huh? I take and take and take and I suck you dry sometimes. And here I am, when I push you to the breaking point I immediately want you back.

I belong to you.

I'm sorry for the mess that I am. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. I regret the words I spoke. Can you take this broken mess and still love it?

I belong to you. 

Baby, let's put this back together now. But, if you need time I understand.

Because that's the beauty of our marriage.

We've    got    time.

And, I belong to you.


Perfectionism - It'll Kill Ya

I am a perfectionist.

Do you know how terrible it feels to always be falling short of perfection - which doesn't even exist, except in my mind?

I feel as if I am in the middle of a battle all. the. time. I am fighting with all that I have against my perfectionism tendencies. It depresses me. It gives me anxiety. So many times I have to hand the sword to someone else who is bigger and stronger than me. But then - there are those times - those times where I can stand on my own and beat the crap outta life.

But, of course, John Mayer said it best.

Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Then nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never left a name

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

Something For Your Ears

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own


All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see


Two Are Better Than One

My journey has taken my down many dark roads. Some I share here, but others I dare not. While I wish to be candid, I also must remember my professional career and my clients. This is an open blog and, to be frank, I don't think it would be appropriate for them to know every detail.

But, I will share this.

It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.

You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.

Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.

Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.

At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.

But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.

When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.

When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.

When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.

The buzzing in your head will subside.

You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.

You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.

Two are better than one.