Two Are Better Than One

My journey has taken my down many dark roads. Some I share here, but others I dare not. While I wish to be candid, I also must remember my professional career and my clients. This is an open blog and, to be frank, I don't think it would be appropriate for them to know every detail.

But, I will share this.

It starts out with thoughts. Millions of terrible thoughts that culminate to this terrible outcome. You can't control the thoughts. you can't control the outcome. Then your body starts to physically manifest these thoughts.

You cry. Or at least I did. You cry small tears and try to hide it. Then you're sobbing without even realizing it. You cry for all the terrible things you can't control. Like having to go to work or making that phone call or doing that errand. It can sound as simple as that. But it's not simple. What if something goes wrong? So, you cry.

Then your breathing pattern changes. It becomes shorter and quicker. It is fast, very fast. You can't slow it down. You can't get enough breath.

Next is the gagging. You start to heave. You want to throw up. But you can't. Or maybe you do. I never did.

At this point you'll move to the bathroom if you're not already there. You think at least I can throw up in the toilet. You're feeling very weak. You can barely stand so you lay down on the floor. Then the buzzing starts. The lack of oxygen is getting to you. Your head feels like pins and needles are being thrust into it.

But you're not alone. When the tears start he rubs your back and reassures you that any problem is conquerable when the two of you are together.

When you start to breathe shallowly he'll continue to rub your back. He'll find you a bag to breathe in.

When you feel as if your insides are turning upside down he'll physically carry you to the bathroom when your strength is failing you.

When you're laying on the floor and the buzzing starts he'll prop you on his chest and hope that his breathing pattern will meld with yours and give you some reprieve.

The buzzing in your head will subside.

You'll stop feeling the urge to gag.

You'll lay your head back in his chest and take your first deep breath in 30 minutes.

Two are better than one.

Welcome To Idaho

Here is a list of things I have learned about living in Southwestern Idaho that will help you navigate without sounding like a foreigner.

1. They hate Californians. Why no other state is beyond me. So don't mention if you're from California. Or if you are brave enough to, just make sure you say how temporary it was or how much you hated living there. Lying in this situation is perfectly acceptable in order to mesh with the locals.

2. It's Boy-See not Boy-Zee when pronouncing Boise. That is a huge giveaway.

3. When you pass someone on the highway it is always on the right. Passing on the left is unheard of. The left lane is scary.

4. It's Que-Nuh not Koo-Nuh when pronouncing Kuna. But no one lives there anyways so you're probably fine.

5. Eagle is where all the richies live.

6. Your cashier can and will talk to you throughout the whole checking out process. They'll ask about your mother's brother's cousin and comment on your food choices.

7. If you see a license plate that starts with 2C then they are automatically bad drivers. Avoid them at all costs. But that'll be hard to do 'cause they'll be driving 5 under the speed limit in the left lane. (In this case the left lane is not scary, but you have to drive slowly).

8. Your neighbor, upon meeting you for the first time will most likely give you the spare key to their house. Just in case.

9. Lastly, they're the most genuine and kind people you'll ever meet. Unless you're from California.

Blank Space

Words have left me.
Well, not the ones I really need to say.
But those ones I can't share.
They're too private.
They're too big.
I'm trying too hard.
I give in too easily.
What's the purpose anyways.

Words have left me.

Does this make sense?

This has turned into my journey through mental health.
But have I already shared too much?
Who will judge me now?

Real Life

Real Life?

I haven't cried for over a month. Is it the meds? Is it odd for me to say that I miss it?

I listen to pop music. Obvs.

I'm scared to be taking the full responsibility that my title gives me at my job. Adulting is crap sometimes.

I slept in and then stayed in bed until noon today. That hasn't happened for years.

I'm always thinking about the next clothing or housing purchase I will make. Shoppers anonymous much?

I am a perfectionist. There. I said it. And it is a painful place to be. Stay far far away from it.

And this is what my little living space looks like. minus the couch. I love it for what it is and feel it slowly is representing who Guy and I are.

Depression - Again

Again?! I know ... this blog has become quite ... might I say depressing ;)

But really. This song speaks to me on many levels. I know. It's Katy Perry. Some of you can't respect her undeniably catchy music. But, just give this song a listen. If you want to get inside the head of someone who has or is depressed just give it a chance. She is talking about love. I'd just switch that word out for "life."

Seriously, people.

It was that bad.

It can get that bad.

Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn't sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas

Thought I wasn't enough
Found I wasn't so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn't take it anymore

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn't gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free