For Your Soul

You're a bitter kind
I love you so
Sour is my mind
From what you sow
How I let it grow

Call them radiant, call them mothers eyes
Home's a narrow space for me to find
Your beguiling state and endless heights
I'm just not moving right
Just not moving right when it's just not you

Under neon lights
Where I wake
I'm not feeling right
So they say
Rough kind of a day

Don my clothing, robes of ageing white
Rattled windows on the old green line
Do you feel it like I hope you might
I'm just not seeing right
Just not seeing right when it's just not you

Cautiously Optimistic

Well, you'll notice I haven't written anything for almost two months now. Surprisingly, it's not because I'm too busy or too lazy. It's because I don't have anything to whine about right now. Like, I'm doing ... okay ...

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and we decided that I can use my medications on an 'as needed' basis. Which I am thrilled about - and not because I don't believe in medication. You best believe I'm poppin' pills whenever I get the slightest pain. But I was on 5 meds. One for sleep, one for anxiety, one to help my depression, one to help my depression pill to work better, and one to help curb the side effects of said helper pill.

Anyways, I was so tired all the time. I even started drinking caffeine intermittently *cough* most days *cough* because I was having a hard time functioning. I would go to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and wake up exhausted. So, I'm just happy not to have to deal with any crazy side effects.

But, really, the truth? I don't know why I am doing so well. I honestly don't know. I didn't make any huge changes in my thinking or even spiritual life. I'm not on any new medication. I didn't have some major breakthrough with my therapist. And to be honest. I'm quite nervous about this whole thing. It's disconcerting because I am always thinking in the back of my mind that something is going to trigger me and I'm going to fall down this black hole again.

But, maybe it's not about breakthrough moments and big spiritual 'healings' or black and then white. Maybe it's more about one moment from the next. And catching yourself in dark thoughts one time and then not that often and then rarely at all. Maybe it's about adjusting and changing and moving forward when you don't even realize it is happening. It's kinda like, when I started focusing on other aspects of my life, I started moving away from the darkness inside me.  Maybe it's the culmination of everything - the medications, the hospital stay, the therapy, the support and prayers. Maybe that's it.

And maybe I'm spewing out a bunch of bull crap full of unicorns and fairies that never die and I'll be back in no time spilling my eternally depressing life to the interwebs.

But in the meantime, I'm not sure what this space will become for me. I don't believe I am 'cured' and I know that just because I have been doing well doesn't mean I won't have 'bad' days. It's inevitable, but maybe I'll be able to handle them now. Cross your fingers for me.

Crappy New Year

You know you've got problems when your New Years Resolutions look something like this ...

1. Go one week without crying
2. Try not to think about dying so often
3. Don't die - also don't kill yourself

And you think I'm being funny. *shakes head* If only you knew what it was like to live inside this brain. I had a counseling session on Tuesday that kicked my ass. Like she asked me one question that just happened to hit so close to home that I went from sarcasm to crying in about 0.5 seconds. (Obviously haven't successfully met goal numero uno yet) I pretty much have some sort of break down once a week right now. It's awesome - for everyone involved.

My therapist and I filled out a sheet titled, 'Cognitive Conceptualization Diagram.' I had to identify 3 situations where I was experiencing depressive / anxious thoughts. I had to then write down the automatic thought that was associated with each situation. I had to identify what the meaning of those automatic thoughts were to me, what my emotions were during these situations, and what my behavior was (crying - duh). After that was done, we looked at the three automatic thoughts that I had relating to those three different situations. And you know what - we re-confirmed what my core belief is about myself. It really was fascinating to see that same thread through every difficulty that I had experienced. It all boils down to this one belief that I have about myself.

My therapist says I can keep that belief, but only if I can prove to her that it is accurate and confirmed by other sources outside myself. I'm trying really hard to prove it, but so far the only thing that validates it is me, myself, and I. Really, though, you can tell me all you want how much I matter (assuming you think that - no pressure), but I can always discount your sentiments. I am master at self-deprecating. It really is an art.

Therapy is really hard and you end up taking more steps back then you do forward. (You meaning me...) Ya know, a year ago I was spiraling - fast. It's hard to feel like you haven't made as much progress as you'd like. I honestly thought that by now it would all be in the past.

So, yeah, crappy new year to you and yours.

I took a break from blogging for awhile. A series of events compelled me to share this space with a lot of people I know. Something I didn't think I would do. Though I feel like I did the right thing at the time, it also turned me off to sharing anything through this blog. (Make sense? No? Well who asked you anyways) But it has been several months since then and I fully believe that the interest in my blog has died down. So, I have returned to once again post my most depressing thoughts and share with you my journey. Except when I say journey, I don't mean an epic like Lord of the Rings or even Finding Nemo. I mean something more like getting lost in the woods where am thinking suspiciously, 'I swear I've seen that same damn tree 20 times.'

Literally going in circles over here.

I'm An Idiot

There was a time where 1 am was no big deal for me. In fact, that was when I was finally getting to bed. Not so much mi amigos.

I have been drugged now since February. One of those lovely medications helps me sleep. Well, I let life get busy aka I'm an idiot aka I let me medications run out before getting new ones. I have slept minimally for two nights now.

Want to know what anxiety mixed with insomnia looks like? No? Too bad.

First off, you have layers upon layers of thinking going on. It's nuts. I'll be thinking about two or three things - flickering through them constantly. Then, I'll also be singing the same line of a song in my head over and over and over again. So, this is all going on and I'll latch on to a thought.

Exhibit A: I have to drive to my psychiatrist's office to pick up my prescriptions tomorrow.

Then I start planning my driving route. When will I turn into which lanes? What road was it on again? What if it is really busy when I am driving? Will I forget how to drive? What if my feet forget which pedals to push?

And so on and so forth.

Then the big one hits. What if while I am driving over the bridge, an earthquake hits and my car falls into a large, deep hole?

Then we begin to escalate very quickly.

What if I don't die before I hit the bottom of the hole? What will that feel like? Will death hurt? I will definitely pray that God takes me quickly. But, what if I somehow get out of the car and am holding onto a bar? What if no one can get me before I fall? What if I fall? What will falling feel like? What if I don't die when I hit the ground? What if I am just hurt really bad, like a piece of rebar goes through my hip? How much will that hurt? How long will it take them to save me? What if they can't? How will Guy react? Will I recover quickly from surgery?

Okay, you get the picture. I end up lying there awake, staring at the ceiling, praying that sleep will come.

But it hasn't yet.

Not tonight.

What do you do when insomnia and/or anxiety hits at night?

I'm Gonna Die The Exact Same Day As You

I hurt the one that I love the most.

Why do we do that? The person that I gloat about to you all the time. I said to myself, hey let's just make him feel like crap.

And then I did.

So, this is my open letter of apology to him.

How do I say I'm sorry in a way that you'll believe? How do I convince you that you have my heart even when my mouth says otherwise?

I belong to you.

Sometimes I say things that I don't mean. Or sometimes I say things I shouldn't say even if I mean them.

I belong to you.

Sometimes I lie. I flat out lie. What does that say about me? I did. I do. I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to make myself feel good about me, so I tear you down. I climb up on the pile of rubble that once was you just to leave my own demons behind for awhile.

I belong to you.

Oh, I'm depressed - I have anxiety. I need all the attention and love in this relationship. Funny how that works, huh? I take and take and take and I suck you dry sometimes. And here I am, when I push you to the breaking point I immediately want you back.

I belong to you.

I'm sorry for the mess that I am. I'm sorry for the mistakes that I've made. I regret the words I spoke. Can you take this broken mess and still love it?

I belong to you. 

Baby, let's put this back together now. But, if you need time I understand.

Because that's the beauty of our marriage.

We've    got    time.

And, I belong to you.