To Hell and Back

So, we went through hell. And we're coming out on the other side. Except what they don't tell you is that just because you went through hell doesn't mean that hell goes away. Oh no. It is still burning at your back. All you have to do is turn around. But, that only means if that crap is always there, then the good stuff is too. I just have to keep finding it. Looking for it. Intentionally. It is hard. And sometimes I hate it and want to give up. Depression is the real deal folks and chances are you deal with it too.

But, this isn't about me, this is about marriage and my amazing partner in life. You know dealing with depression and anxiety is hard shit. (Yes, I can think of no better word to use. Excuse me.) It knocks you down over and over and over again. It does. It isn't your fault. You aren't intentionally letting it happen. But what is even harder is going through that before you are diagnosed. Before you understand what is going on. It is confusing and heartbreaking and just plain ol' difficult.

This is where you find strength in others. And I found strength in Guy. My husband. My depression and anxiety knocked him down too. He had to pick himself up and then me. He had to hide his fears from me even while I poured out mine to him. I gave up.

I gave up.

But he didn't. He never did. He was always up with me at night. Always mentally and physically picking me up. He is the real hero here because he had a choice. He could have given up on me. He could have left. He could have told me I was crazy or to just get over it. He could have.

But he didn't.

He didn't and I am still alive.

And now my favorite love song. Because, hello.
I have to end on the cheesiest note I can find.

Mediocre, But Okay

So, I survived my first week of work. It felt like a whole week of work even though it was just 4 days. Oh wait - it was a full work week because I work 10 hour days. But I LOVE my Fridays now.

Anyways, here are some very mediocre photos of what's been going on lately with me. I am by no means a photographer, obvs, but I can't wait to start using my "big girl" camera again. Now that the weather is warming up and my fingers won't freeze! Yay.

Almost bought this old man

Amazeballs sunset

It's okay to laugh. BAHAH! For our church directory.

supah sexay aka supah sarcastic

Wearing this outfit on repeat. 

Can't wait!

 Breaking him in to the joys of thrifting.

Definitely not obsessed.

What a turd.

Almost bought a dog ... again.

The therapy gym at work!!!

At the vet. Beau wasn't scared. At. All.

And now you know. 

That Time I Ate Mac & Cheese

Story background: About every medication I am taking has a possible side affect of weight gain.

After eating half a Stouffer's macaroni and cheese right out of the oven.

Me: "This medication is making me fat."

Me: "Ugh, I feel like I have gained like 10 pounds."

Guy: As he looks at my bowl of macaroni and cheese is like, "Maybe you should exercise more."

Me: And I'm over here like, "Don't you even say it. It is definitely the meds and not the fact that I exercise one to one times a week."

The End

Because, duh

What's Next?

What happens after you are hospitalized with mental health issues and diagnosed? With questions of possible other diagnoses that I am not ready to share yet?

You set up an appointment with your new psychiatrist to manage medications etc.

You get a therapist, in my case her credentials are LCPC (Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor).

You have another appointment with your primary care physician who just happens to want you to come in next week for a pap smear. -_-

You go to the pharmacy - again - and get about four bags worth of pills and say hi to the pharmacist because he recognizes you.

You feel restless, but tired at the same time. And start blaming everything on the medications, like feeling tired yet restless at the same time.

And somehow, this is your life and you continue to live it and you also go on bike rides with your husband, and get brunch with friends, and sing solos at church.

You keep moving forward.

Because going backwards is not an option.